Ask the Plaid Buddha #2
Dear Plaid Buddha: I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and I’d say we have a very healthy relationship. The only thing is I feel like he doesn’t always fully emotionally open up to me. What does this mean? Is it just a guy thing?
It is not just a guy thing. And I think it means that you and he are not at the same stage in the relationship. And that is pretty normal.
I think you and your boyfriend have the beginning of a healthy relationship. To me it sounds like you are still moving through something called “relational escalation.” This is a series of stages a couple moves through as they get to know each other and begin to open up and work out the details of their relationship.
It is not uncommon for you and your boyfriend to be at different levels of self-disclosure, which is “how much” you are comfortable sharing with each other. And that is what it sounds like you are describing to me.
You say that you feel like he doesn’t always fully emotionally open up to you. Look at HOW you said that. You described his behavior ENTIRELY in terms of you and your comfort level. At the same time you think that, e\he could be thinking that you are self-disclosing too much.
Instead of seeing him as not fully opening up to you, it would probably be more productive to work with him to create an environment where he feels comfortable opening up more fully, when he is ready.
For a relationship to progress, self-disclosure has to be open, free and equal. Self-disclosure always involves some risk and the amount we disclose is proportional to our level of commitment in a relationship.
Enjoy the relationship for what it is right now. Soon enough you will both need to choose how much more you want to self-disclose and how much more you want the relationship to develop and change.
Dear Plaid Buddha: How do I make my boyfriend comfortable with me hanging out with my ex, from years ago, who is a good friend?
I’m so happy that you have a good relationship with your ex! That is awesome! Congrats.
As for your boyfriend, let’s try to see it from his perspective for a bit. Ok — clearly New Boyfriend (NB) is really into you. YAY! But, since you are in the early stages of a relationship, he perceives other males, especially someone you dated before, as a threat. Not that NB is going to beat up EX anytime in the near future (unless, of course, you are auditioning for a reality TV gig — in that case, the gloves are off!).
But to NB, you and EX have history — a history that he wasn’t part of. To NB, he probably fears that it is easier for you to talk with, open up to and hang out with EX. You and EX have shared friends, shared memories and, depending how long you dated EX, EX might even have a relationship with your family where NB is still nervous about meeting them.
So, it’s not about NB NOT wanting to hang out with EX and you, its more like NB wants to be what EX was for you, but more. NB wants it to be about you and him, not you and him and Ex.
If you want NB and EX to get along, I think the best way to go about it is to set up something for the 3 (or more, if you invite other friends) of you to do. But, in the process, be sure to let NB know WHY you want to include EX and what you would like their relationship to be. On top of that, showing NB that HE is the ONLY BF in your life will go a long way to making this happen.
And, of course, be ready to hang out with him and his EX GF whenever he invites her along, right?
Dan West is a retired Communication Studies professor and is now The Plaid Buddha, teaching mindfulness and metaphysics and providing advice about life, love and everything. He can be reached at https://www.everclear.com/danw
To have your question answered in one of his columns, please write to Dan at: The Plaid Buddha, PO Box 132, Union Furnace, OH 43158
