Ask Dr. Luv — Answers to Questions by College Students about Love, Life and Relationships
FOR thirty years, I was a college professor of Communication Studies. Which is, to say, in addition to teaching classes on Public Speaking and Debate, I also taught courses in Interpersonal Communication, Persuasion, and Leadership, to name a few.
For the last ten years of teaching I chose to teach an entry level course called Intro to Communication Studies. Throughout the fifteen week semester, I would take the audience (400 students, 2 shows daily) on a journey through all of the areas that make up our discipline.
One of the most popular units of the course was the one on Interpersonal Communication and Relationships. During those sessions I lectured about self-disclosure, friendship and how we form, maintain and end relationships.
At the end of the unit, I reserved one class period where I would answer ANY question about love, life and relationships. I told my students to bring their friends, their roommates, their significant other or anyone they thought needed to hear an answer to a question to the next class.
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It was the only time, other than the first day, that all the seats were filled. Sometimes, we were Standing Room Only.
As the students were settling into the lecture hall, I would go up and down the aisles asking if anyone had any questions they want answered. If they did, I provided them with a note card (for anonymity) on which to write their question and told them to place them on the desk down front. As class was starting, I’d move the podium out of the way, drag out an easy chair that was in the wings of the lecture hall, shuffle the cards, before making the following announcement:
“Dan West is not a therapist and does not pretend to be one. The advice given by Dan West is intended for entertainment purposes only. Dan West will answer your questions about relationships, attempt to link it to some communication theory and most likely make fun of your question. On to the questions!”
For the next hour and twenty minutes, I’d settle into that chair as I zipped through a stack of over one hundred questions (there were a number of duplicates) and would do my best to give everyone an honest answer.
Days like that are the reason I became a teacher.
Now that I have retired, I realize that (to no one’s surprise) I have kept almost all of the questions. There are quite a few duplicates over the ten-year span of note cards. I pretty sure that quite a few of these questions are familiar to many of us.
I’ve selected a few that are representative to the students in my courses (8,000 over ten years). Maybe one of them is an answer you, or someone you know, needs to hear.
On to the Questions!
What does it mean if you have not had a serious relationship yet?
It means you are normal. Trust me, from the time you are in high school until somewhere in your late 20’s, your idea of a serious relationship will take many forms.
My advice is to worry less about being in a serious relationship, and take the time to meet and get to know people you like. One, or more, of those attractions will most likely develop into a serious relationship.
If you think that your “Friends with Benefits” friend is starting to catch “the feels,” what should you do? (I don’t want to hurt them, but I still want to sleep with them.)
Friends with Benefits (FWB) are a real thing and recently Communication Studies) scholars have started to publish some pretty interesting studies about them. If you are in an FWB situation, it is really important to be sure you both know what being FWBs means.
That is WAY easier that it sounds.
Here’s the deal. Many times, one of the partners in the FWB agrees to the arrangement because THEY ALREADY HAVE FEELINGS for the other person. And who doesn’t want to hook up with someone they are ALREADY ATTRACTED TO and who you see as a POTENTIAL PARTNER.
This is one of the pitfalls of the FWB situation. When you think your “friend” has the feels for you, you should talk to them about it right away. If you know that they are into you and that they want a relationship with and you go on pretending like this is nothing more than a FWB, then you are BOTH lying to yourselves.
And, you might be taking advantage of someone you care a lot about, even if you don’t want to be in a committed relationship with them.
This usually ends one of three ways: 1) The FWB is over; 2) You take a break for a bit and try to be FWBs again, if you both still want it; or 3) You see how it goes as a couple.
Be honest, treat each other well, and see where it goes.
I hooked up with this girl last week and three days later she said she loved me. What do I do, Dan West?
First off, your dick must be HUGE.
But seriously, it is really hard to separate the physical enjoyment of hooking up from the feelings of love. I have heard that sometimes, sexual partners will yell out something like, “Oh God, I LOVE YOU!” at the time of climax with no intention of pledging a life time commitment to their partner.
In reality, love is more than a feeling. It is a thousand little agreements made between two people over time. It is a negotiation of countless choices all designed to lift the other up to make both your lives better.
It is nearly impossible to fall in love with someone who does not even know they are in a relationship with you.
In your situation, she is attracted to you and would love to find out if the two of you might be compatible as a couple. She is using the word “love” because it is an outcome she thinks she wants. This is pretty common.
The best advice for you is for you and her to get together (IN PERSON) and talk about this. Pick a neutral place so that you don’t hook up again by accident. Be honest and let her know you are flattered but that you aren’t looking for a relationship at this time.
She might be mad, she might cry, she might call you names, and she might understand. Remember, she is allowed to feel however she wants to when she hears the truth. She chooses her own feelings, just like you do.
Don’t hook up again unless you both are in agreement as to what your relational goal is (see letter on FWB above).
Or, you could just ghost her and stop returning text messages and block her on social media.
But then you’d be an ass.
The choice is yours.
Check back next week for more answers to questions from Dr. Luv.
Dan West is a retired Communication Studies professor and now works as the Plaid Buddha, teaching mindfulness and providing advice about wellness and happiness to individuals and companies. He can be reached at https://www.everclear.com/danw
To have your question answered in one of his columns, send an email to Dan at AskDrLuv@gmail.com
